I Walk the Line

Tonight might be a little scatter brained and all over the place so I apologize ahead of time.

Lately I'm struggling with the fact of when to draw the line. In my relationships whether it be boyfriends, friends, or God, it seems like I can't be just enough. I'm usually too much and I push people away OR I'm not enough and then it just seems like I don't care.

For anyone that knows me, I am one of the most analytic people one will meet. I over think and analyze everything. It's a sickness, I admit. While, the reasoning behind it is with good intention, it annoys most people. When most people hear pass the salt, they would do just that. I, on the other hand would have to ask questions, like what kind of salt, pass which way (Dramatization).

Therefore, I can't help but over analyze every move that I will make, everything that I will say. I think of the affects it will have after I've said it or done it. Lately, I can't help but to notice a pattern. I keep not saying what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm hiding it. When I don't hide it, it starts an argument. At the same time I feel like I'm keeping myself in check, not really showing who I am or what I am.

How do we know when to stop hiding and when to be real? I feel like lately, I can't distinguish that line. Lately, I feel like I'm hiding me to be something else, someone else that everyone can like more. Once I do show the real me and it upsets someone it makes me feel like maybe the real me can never really be loved.

I'm in a place right now and I can't seem to come out of it. I want a grand gesture. I want love and romance but it seems like I just keep holding out for nothing. Is that real? I don't think it exists except in Nora Roberts books and sappy movies. How can I not be happy when I have someone who has been cuddly and loving? How can I complain?

Where is this line?! Am I the only person who can't seem to find it? Why am I never happy with what I do or what I say? If I need a filter on everything I say is that a filter or just being nice. When my feelings get hurt do I keep it in?

I want to be go with the flow but it's not who I am. I am uptight, stressed out, 21 year old going on 65.

So for now, I walk the line. I try to stay in check but it can't always happen and I thank anyone who can stick around for when I fall off.

When You Know, You know!

Growing up, whenever I would talk about boys, I always just heard the phrase "when you know, you know." I thought, yeaaaah right, how can you just be so sure of who you're gonna spend the rest of your life with?!

Then I met him....

But let me start off by telling you how my dad knew and how he was able to pass down this majestic wisdom. My mother was friends with my dad's "flaky" sister. One day, my dad asked out my mother, who said yes. They went out and to my understanding had a fine time. Then, my father didn't call her for three months. Yep, three months. He claimed that he wasn't ready to settle down to one girl and was just busy.

Three months later, they went back out and the rest has been history. Married for 30+ years. When I asked my dad, he told me he didn't even propose either. He just talked about it and said "when you know, you know."

All I could think was HORSE SHIT. How can your mind just change like that? Poof, now I want to get married. Then I met Zachary...and my whole world flipped.

We didn't meet under perfect circumstances. When we met stars didn't fly everywhere. But we laughed in the little Starbucks cafe where he "interviewed" me. We didn't even see each other that much after working together for 9 months. We talked on and off but nothing ever too serious.

So it was a shock when in the middle of the summer, I got a text from him and the rest has been history.

We've talked everyday since then, even if it's not much. When you know, you know. There's nothing I can do to explain how I feel, I just know. He's the one. He's it for me.

Did I know that almost a year earlier? No, but then it hit me. He was and is the perfect man for me in every way. He may not be the most romantic or most outgoing, but he's mine and that's all that's important.

I'm too Tired to Think of a Creative Name

As a child who doesn't have that superman/batman/whoever person that is their hero? Everyone needs someone to look up to right? Maybe that was my problem... I never saw any person really as my hero, who I wanted to grow up and be JUST like them. Sure, I was a daddy's girl--heaven forbid he leave that house without a hug good-bye, but I didn't have any ambitions really. I don't recall wanting to be a ballerina or a superstar or anything really.

What I really just wanted was to be like my parents. For those who don't know, my parents have been (mostly) happily married for 30+ years. They've stuck through thick and thin and are still happy. When I grew up, I wanted THAT. I wanted to wake up on Sunday mornings and go to church and make big Sunday dinners. My parents were the perfect relationship. They didn't argue. They always kissed each other bye. There were no problems.

Growing up through those awful teen years, that changed. I became cynical yet somehow hopeful. In high school, despite always having a boyfriend, I stopped wanting that perfect relationship. I stopped wanting what my parents have and I started wanting other things. I suddenly decided that my life was dedicated to traveling. I wanted to traverse the globe and help people. It was the reason I wanted to learn another language. It was the reason I went to Grand Valley. It was the reason I chose a political science(more or less) degree.

Now here I am, almost four years later and I've switched again. All I want to do is scream at myself. Except this time, I've taken an even deeper fall. This time, I've found someone who I can marry. Someone who believe it or not, can deal with this craziness (trust me, I find it hard to believe too)! The problem is that now it seems I can't have both. Career or marriage. Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

I think the answer I'm looking for is that I want to travel with him and help people BUT it just seems like such a far fetched idea. Especially with the boyfriend trying to enter the air force. Its more likely a distant goal. For the present, it looks as if I'm going to be making sacrifices or choosing career over love and true love only comes around once.

What are my options here...?

Pity Party for One Please!

So a long time ago, I used to think that my life was always going to go in this ONE particular direction. I had one dream and although it's slightly wavered, it hasn't changed.

I was going to finish the dream college of my choice (enter GVSU) and from there attend some sort of a law school of my dreams (no particular one in mind) and then grow up to be this fabulous attorney--Legally blonde style.

It seems kind of foolish but now, there is no dream. There is no hope of where my future is going. Dead inside.

As I was sitting in class today, I decided to check my GPA. Turns out my GPA is lower than I believed it was. Try much lower. Enter in GPA of 3.4...

Now, even if I score amazingly on my LSAT. I won't get into a phenomenal school with that GPA and according to the the GPA calculator, I won't be able to bring it up to the level I want. Not only that, but COSTS.

Who was I kidding when I thought I would be able to AFFORD law school? I'm not millionaire. Hell, when I find $10 in my coat pocket, I feel like the richest girl.

Now what?

I can't afford to keep putting myself through school. I keep thinking, I will graduate with the dumbest degree which has no purpose for my life. I won't get a serious job because my grades aren't where I need them to be.

Where am I going? What in the heck am I doing?

The optimist in me is trying to scream, Katherine, the Lord is trying to show you. Just let the Almighty work inside you. On the other hand, the pessimist in me is screaming, you're a failure. Give it up and take up a job at your local Mickey D's for life.

Maybe this is the time to decide what I truly want. So tonight, I'm gonna sit and read my bible listen to some quality music praising the Lord and just think it out.

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before

Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door

I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore

So Lord move, or move me

I'm not a princess

Lately, I've been doing a lot of "me" thinking lately, wait. That's a lie. Sorry, didn't mean to do that so early. I've been doing a lot of relationship thinking lately. I've been reading a lot of relationship articles (WAY WAY more so than usual). Truth is, I'm stressed about my relationship. I feel like I do the same thing with every boyfriend. I'm a creature of pattern.

What is it one might ask?

The second something isn't going right, I seek others for attention. Whether it's helpless flirting or maybe taking things too far, it always happens. Now don't get me wrong here, I am an egocentric person whether I admit that or not every day. I just do dumb things on a daily basis anyways. This is different than that though. It's a need. The second something isn't going right, its like a switch flips. Call my self-centered but it's true.

The problem here is I don't want to fall into the same pattern anymore. I don't trust anyone because really I shouldn't be trusted. Time and time again, I screw up. I do something and the relationship falls apart. It may not be immediately, maybe not even a year from then. Eventually it crumbles.

I don't want that anymore. I want someone to be able to stay with me for the rest of my life. As cheesy as that sounds, I want trust. I want love and I want commitment. I just want to be the only girl you love all your life.

A year ago, that idea scared me. Marriage? Ha. Kids? Try never. I always had the notion that eventually down the road just maybe prince charming would sweep me off my feet and everything would be a fairy tale in maybe 5 years. GROW UP KATHERINE!

Life isn't always carriage rides and red roses. Sometimes life is baking cookies that don't turn out and traffic jams.

I'm learning, always learning. Just because I'm not the center of attention doesn't mean he doesn't love me any less. In fact, I'm sure he hates when I'm an attention hog but he's there anyways. That's what unconditional love and trust is about. He loves me even when I scream at him and tell him I'm leaving and we're done. He deserves the same and Then some.

I owe him.

So here's my promise to him:

• I will not give you another reason to not trust me
• I will keep everything that is meant to be between us to just us

http://artists.letssingit.com/eli-young-band-lyrics-guinevere-mxzt8sr

God gave me You

More so everyday, I'm learning about myself. I learn about the person that I want to be and the person that I am. Lately, it feels as if those two people are WORLDS apart. Literally miles away and somehow nothing but a little dinghy floats back and forth between the sea of who I am and who I want to be.

Today, I had a revelation about how much these two people are SO far apart and an even bigger revelation about how my life in Christ in just so much lacking.

The wonderful man that I am proud to call my boyfriend had to work tonight after an interesting week of vacation together. We have never fought that much in the entire time we were together. When we got back it seemed like things were definitely on the up and up. Although, the important to keep in mind here is that my savior of a boyfriend just puts up with my craziness and craziness it was last week. I was SO up and down with him about the...well, most stupid things.

Well, after a week of fighting, things were settling back to be normal, until tonight. Nothing particularly went bad all day until he got home from work. Then the yelling started.The entire time, I kept thinking "WHY AM I DOING THIS?" I really didn't believe what I was saying. I know that this man is more committed to me than any other man before him yet I'm throwing out accusations and cop outs. It began to feel like I was just trying to make him feel bad.

Then, out of no where, it hits me. This whole thing was my fault (I know you're thinking...wow, obviously). But really, it was all my hang-ups and insecurities that had me doubting everything. Here I have a man, God willing, who wants to marry me and I try to push him away more and more because I'm not sure he will love me like he says he does. I'm not sure he'll want to be faithful to me because of how I act. I'm not sure that he'll always think I'm the most beautiful thing in the world (excluding Jennifer Aniston, of course).

This was my fault. It was all because "I wasn't sure." NOT him, but me. I've always been the insecure one. Never okay with myself, never thought I was better than mediocre with no real reason why. My favorite phrase in fact used to be "I'm okay at a lot of things but not really great at one particular thing."

I am great at one thing when I want to be though. Loving. I can love like the dickens and particularly loving God. Last summer was the closest I have ever been to God and Lord, did it feel good. I was happy and confident in myself-- well the most I've ever been. So my lesson to myself you ask?

Closeness to God translates to a happiness I can't describe. Closeness to God is confidence in myself again. Closeness to God is love.

This is what I need to end all my hang ups and insecurities. My unfailing love for you Lord, will bring what only you can do. True happiness. It's worth it friends, to know your maker, to lose your sin. We are all dearly loved.

If I can just be truly happy in the Lords love, then I can drop this charade.

God gave me you. A man with the most passionate love to help me in this incredible journey to better myself in the Lord.

The love of Lists

So I stole this from a friends blog and I loved it. I love that way it made me slow down and re-think my life. So here we go with the fun!

Loving:
1. How amazing air-conditioning has felt during the summer months.
2. The fact that my boss is indeed shunning me for quiting.
3. Paying bills on time
4. One last year at Grand Valley before moving on into the real world
5. The plans that God has for me
6. The idea of marriage

Not Loving:
1. The fact that my boss is indeed shunning me for quitting
2. The lack of desire I have to do anything good for me
3. Gas prices
4. The lack of anything in my refridgerator or cabinets too for that matter

Accomplishing:
1. Peace in my relationship with God.
2. More self-confidence
3. Pushing myself despite my lack of desire to do anything
4. Fast knowledge of life in the Air Force (more to come on that soon)
5. Being joyous

Preparing:
1. My strength and trust in people
2. What "could" come in the near months.

Forgetting:
1. What people say about me
2. That I really shouldn't be watching Harry Potter
3. I am insecure girl who will never be truly loved.

Reading:
1. Gotcha, Don't remember?
2. Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell
3. As You Like It, Shakespeare
4. Psalms 62
5. Proverbs

Believing:
1. That God is who He says He is
2. That God can do what He says He can do
3. That I am who God says I am
4. That I can do all things through Him


I think I'm liking the way that things are headed but honestly and truly, I can never say that definitely. But for now, I'm happy and that's what matters right?

Wonderer

It seems every now and then, I just need to write. I know that no one is reading this. Hell, half the time I forget that I have my own blog, a very much abused and little used one, but one none-the-less.

Lately, I've been debating about my job. I work a full-time job at Meijer as a Prepared Foods Team leader. It's a pretty good job considering, I'm 21 and still going to school full-time. I make good money so I can always have that extra buck to do fun stuff. I've made a lot of good friends at this location, and the one in Jenison as well.

But lately, the hours are killing me. I'm 21 and I'm working 45+ hours a week on top of school. All the extra money I have to do fun stuff, is crammed into one day excursions. Say, I'd like to plan a trip some place, nope. Can't take off work because I'm a Team leader. I'm also not one to shy away from more responsibility but I can't shake the feeling lately that I'm not sufficient enough to do my own job. When I first took it, I felt on top of the world. I was awesome and now I'm just barely mediocre.

Then I think, "wow, there are so many negatives to this job. I should just quit." Then I remember a good friend of mine once said she took a job and felt compelled to stay because God was trying to show her commitment(props to Melissa for sticking it out) but now I fear that may be my problem.

Any man that I've dated will be able to vouch for this, I am a runner (figuratively and literally). Anytime something gets hard or doesn't seem to be working anymore, I run away. I figure some time away will do me good, let me cool down; which, it always does. The problem is, I never seem to stick with anything long enough to really make a good impact. What if that's all I want to do all my life? In highschool, I worked at one place for a year and another for two years and now, it's 8 or 9 months tops.

I guess I'm just a lost soul for now. I'll keep hanging until I fall, Lord willing.

Safe in his arms

When I was little, I constantly heard that you'll miss (insert whatever cute childish thing I did) when you get older. I had no idea how right my parents would be. We grow up and grow old. Suddenly there is responsibility. What? Homework! I thought we would just finger paint?!

Nope, Responsibility. The more we grow up, the more we "can handle." Today has been one of those days where I would give anything to be sitting in my old bedroom dressing up my dolls (or dog, whoever had my interest more) and not worrying about anything. No responsibility. We grow up being groomed for this responsiblity. We learned what things we shouldn't do and should do. No one mentioned any part about growing up and making the decisions of what we should and shouldn't to be easy. It was so easy when Mom said it but now it's a whole new big and scary world.

I know I should go to church every sunday, buuuuut I closed at work last night and I need the sleep. Proverbs 20:13

I know that we should not talk about others. Romans 1:29-32

I know that I need to be unselfish and love all. Proverbs 10:12

I know all these things and my mother would be so proud. Or would she?
I can't even claim to do ANY of these on a full-time basis. I'm not responsible. I'm wild and reckless. One minute, I think I've got everything together and the next minute I'm falling apart and in turns. Here I was thinking I've got it all down, Becky taught me well.

Except, I was following myself and not the one. God is supposed to be my rock, my fortress. My parents, God bless them, opened my eyes to what kind of decisions I should be making. Yet they were showing me something else, something much bigger than "don't pick gum off the bottom of the table."

They were showing me God, how to be true servants of God and I failed thinking it was me. I was wrong. It's all about going back to the basics. There shall be NO Gods before me.
Yeah, lets start there and be safe in his arms, not my own.
Psalms 62:1-2

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.