I know that I can be hard to love. I know that I'm difficult and stubborn and a whirlwind of emotions.I know that I'm crazy and a little OCD. I know that I'm stubborn and sometimes unwilling to compromise.
The list could go on and on...
When we look at ourselves we tend to judge harshly upon our character and appearance. I'm too fat, or too thin. I've got man shoulders or I've got cankles. We rip ourselves apart. Tearing and putting down as we go. Leaving nothing but a sliver of our true worth intact. The reason for the blame could be placed anywhere or on anyone but it's a common fact that most tend to do this self-mutilating practice.
Tonight in another one of my fits of anger, I started this unappreciative act on myself. "Why am I like this?" "Why cant I just be....(fill in the blank)" Halfway through the tears, the cycle of depressive music, and angry words, I thought I don't want this. I don't want to practice this repetitive phase of tearing myself down.
I may be all those things in the first paragraph, but I am a hell of a lot more too. I deserve to be loved. I deserve respect and understanding. I'm sick of feeling trapped. I'm sick of feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough. When can I stop tearing myself down and finally say "K, you are PERFECT the way you are"? When will someone say "K, we will love you unconditionally no matter what you do or say"?
The truth is, I think that I am pretty great person. I work hard for what I want. I cherish what I have and I love with all I am. When can I expect that in return? When will the conditions for everything end? If they won't, Lord please grant me with the understanding to know this.
I want HONESTY. I want UNCONDITIONAL love. I want YOU.
but more importantly, I NEED to be happy...
-All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone-
