Patience, grasshopper

Week three: completed. Part of me feels a huge sense of accomplishment and yet the other part is anxious. Even though I completed three weeks, there's still three more years of this. Patience has never been a strong point of mine but I'm trying to deal. I have always felt the need for speed (Blame it on my childhood-too many years growing up around fast things). My mind keeps wondering back to the question, "is it time for me to be a grown up yet?"

The thing is, growing up is a process. I know that I'm no where near where I want to be in my life and it's going to take some time to get there. So I'll keep spending my Friday and Saturday nights doing things like thesis essays or studying for exams instead of going out to the big party across the street (well, as big as it can get at Grand Valley) because I know in the long run, it's what needs to be done and what will put me ahead.

Ahead is exactly where I need to be when it comes to finding a job in the future. I want to have every opportunity open to me. I don't want to be cut out because I got a "C" in Spanish instead of an "A" or "B." Since I'm so clueless to what I want to do exactly I need the extra opportunities to maybe open doors that would otherwise be closed. I want to know that if I want to go to Spain or Italy to work, that it won't be a problem.

The thing is, I can't wait. I want it now. I want to graduate in 2010 or sooner if that's possible. I'm the typical American in that aspect. I need results now or I'm not happy. But in this moment, I'm truly happy. Happier than I have been in a very long time. As mentioned in a previous post, there's now a boy in my life (quick summary: boy lives in Texas so we can't technically be in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation). But the thing is, this boy is quickly stealing my heart faster than any other person has or possibly could have. Talking to him brightens my day whenever I'm down and he can make me laugh under almost any circumstance. He is something so different and special to me.

So I'm at a crossroads, do I wait three years for this one particular man or do I date someone else in the meantime? Do I wait and hope that in three years my future job will put me into a city/state/country that we can hopefully be together in? So what's a girl to do? Put on her walking shoes or stop and smell the roses, well, rose in my case. It's a tricky situation but...

Patience is a virtue.

One year ago

With a day overflowing of nothingness I had a lot of time to think. Where was I one year ago? Would I like me today? How much have I changed exactly?

One year ago today would have been my second day of college and chances are, I was freaking out about classes, making new friends, and such. Today, I'm waiting to hear back on a few job applications and only slightly stressed about the year in front of me. I feel like I've really grown up and grown into my own person this year and last year.

I've tested my limits and pushed myself to do things I would have normally not. How can you not know if you don't like something if you've never done it (granted within normal limits--generally no law breaking or heroin of that nature)? But here's the thing, I know myself better and I know what I want and need in my life. Last year at this point, I had no clue really who I was or what exactly I was looking for.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do once I graduate but I'll find something, something that I'll love. But that's part of this whole crazy process. For now, I'm just taking one step at a time and still truly happy with how things are progressing.

Update!

So, since I've last wrote, I've returned to Michigan (at this point, I'm refusing to call it home). I'm still in my ...birth town, Lapeer, but I'm about to move in to my townhome in Allendale on Monday. I'm pretty excited for it but part of me is still sad for many reasons. When thinking of schools my junior and senior year of high school, I only briefly entertained the idea of moving out of the state. Now that I'm still in Michigan, I'm a little disappointed with myself. Not that Michigan is a horrible state, it's just not for me. I would prefer to be some place else and that exact location is still unknown.

I've always wanted to travel and that's why I chose the particular major that I did. Now, I'm just concerned that I won't get a job once I graduate. But I'm refusing to let that get me down. I'm going to find a job and I'm going to travel, just like my original plans.

As far as some place to call home, I'm still looking. I've been to a few cities, some that have really caught my attention and others that ...well not so much. Granted, I'm only 19 but you've got to start looking early.

I guess to call this an update, I really should explain what's going on in my life. Currently I'm trying to balance my schedule so I can graduate in 3 or maybe 3 1/2 years. I've also tried searching for a job for the summer already. This summer I made the mistake of procrastinating. If I had known or made the decision to go to Texas earlier, I could have started looking for a job much earlier and gotten a much better job. While looking for a job for the summer, I'm also looking for a job right now, gotta make rent somehow.

There's also a boy in my life now, well technically kind of. It's a different kind of situation. During the last month in Texas I started hanging out with a boy. We both understood that I would be leaving to back to MI but we both developed feelings much stronger than we expected. But we both agree that long distance relationships never work for the better. So it's more of an open line of communication. As long as we're into eachother, then we're happy.

So for now, I'm in a somewhat happy state and I think I like the way things are going in my life.

Oh my friends...

Friends, how incredible they can be.

After close to three months in Texas, I've seen God hard at work in my life. He has blessed me with such wonderful friends down here in the Lonestar State. Friends that fill most of my days with such laughter it sometimes feels like I'm getting a work out! These friends have made me feel welcome in the state and in their homes in such a short period of time.

But not only have they made me feel welcome, they have made me feel so incredibly thankful for what I have. I'm so thankful for these friends who saved me from nights alone on the couch in my apartment. For these friends who have again brought me closer to God, whether they realized it or not.

I can't even begin to express my gratitude to them. I'm estatic that I still have 3 weeks with them and I intend to see them all the time. I just wanted them to know how thankful I am that we became friends and to thank God that he has given me them!

Incredible Night!

Last night I was asked to go salsa dancing with some friends from work. Of course I can't turn down an offer like that so after I got out of work at 3 I headed home and started the getting ready process. Rachel from work decided an occasion like this deserved a reason to go shopping so at 7:45, when Rachel got out of work, I would meet her and go shopping.

Shopping was supposed to be and in and out process but it never works the way one wants it to so obviously we ended up taking much more time than planned.

BUT, we made it there by a little after 10 once the band started playing. I met more people and then it was off. Time to learn how to Salsa! All night was full of dancing and it was In-cred-ible!
Everything was fantastic except for the occasional creeper who would suddenly grab you and spin you around. Overal, I learned to dance and had such a fantastic time with all those people!

The band was great! The music was fun and the people were great so it was no surprise we were there until 2 a.m.! Except on the way to the car to go home Rachel and I stumbled across a man who could barely stand up by himself. He wanted directions to his car so he could drive someplace (location: Unknown). So we gave him directions to where his car could have been. When the man started to walk away, Rachel and I both felt horrible leaving him.

We decided that we would walk to her car which was just a couple more blocks away and then drive down to where he should be and if he was still there and not at his car we would take him to it. Driving back, we found him facing a wall looking still confused. We asked him to get so we could take him to his car. After we found his car, we were afraid he would attempt to drive home so we took his cell phone and asked him who we should call.

After several attempts at dialing peoples phone numbers in his phone all we could find out is that everyone in his recent calls either a.) was in the army with him and was about an hour or two from Austin b.) lived even further way in places like L.A. or Vermont c.) did not even know who this kid was. So rachel and decided to drive around looking for something or someone that he might know. So then he passes out in the backseat as we're driving and Rachel calls a friend who says to lock him in his car and hide the keys and leave a note.

Soooo, we drive back, rachel writes a note and I have to frisk him to find his keys...THANK GOD for the nice foreign man who was getting a car help us lift the scrawny man back into his car. At this point it was 3 a.m. and we were excited to get back home and go to sleep! so after the point of being almost home, I realize I still had his phone in my pocket so we had to turn all the way around to get it back to him!

So by the time I got home, it was 4:10 a.m. and all I could think about was sleep.

BUT, it was a wonderful night and I hope that Andy is okay!

Change

Ya ever wake up and just feel good? Going to bed just feeling good? It's been awhile for me but I've finally come to it.

Last night I went to bed feeling like I was walking on water and woke up this morning feel possibly even better. Which is about oh...I don't know like a hundred times better than I've been feeling. Lately, I've been only focusing on the bad in my life, but now I'm just ignoring it. I'm sick of being down and out. I'm pushing it to the back burner for now and maybe I'll bring it up again later on when it needs to be sorted out.

So any particular reason for this change?

OF COURSE! There is always a reason. This time it was a person that little did I know, I kept hurting and it was time to stop and just move on. There's nothing I could do to change the circumstances that I had arrived at. It was time to just pick up and go and stop hurting someone I cared so much about it.

Now, I'm just working on picking up all the pieces that I let fall apart and attempting to move on. You can't dwell on the past forever and that's exactly what this has come to, something of the past, which makes me greatly sad but what else can one do?

Maybe things or circumstances will change but for now they are what they are and letting go is just the easiest thing to do. Maybe friends is just the best bet, if it can even come to that now.

The Need to Leave

So I'm laying on the couch, like I've been doing for the majority of the day, and I'm thinking about this great city I've been living in since May.

Austin has overwhelmed me and stolen my heart, granted it doesn't take much for that task. Nevertheless, I love it here and the more I think about it, the harder it is for me to want to go home. Granted I already have priorities in Michigan, but it's still sad to think about leaving this great city.

I've done much more here than I would had I stayed home in L-town (Lapeer for those of you who are confused by this). I've jumped off some cliffs, kayaked, got attacked by an alligator gar, gone 2-steppin, and many more things I would not have experienced otherwise. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I'm opening up and broadening my horizons to new things. It was a slow process that started in Grand Rapids and has really accelerated down here. Living in a different city and state, even if for only a short period of time has just fueled my need to move out of the mitten. I don't want to stay in a state that the majority of the citizens do not enjoy. I want to live some place and be proud of my choice of where I decided to live.

Now I've started the long process of what to do after I graduate. I can't stay in Michigan. It would be a miserable choice for me. I guess I have three more years to think about it but I want to be prepared . I'm looking for suggestions on what to do next.

It's been one of those day where you don't get up, you don't leave the couch, and you just vegetate. I work at an outdoor cafe and so when it rains, a kid poops or throws up, or anything along those lines, the pool closes and my job is pretty much non-existent. With that being said, today it rained for a good portion of the day and I was out of a job.

Instead of doing anything productive with my day, I sat on the couch for about 90% of the day. Needless to say, there was a lot of time to just lay around and think.

I much rather prefer this than working. Good day.

Family

So anyone who really knows me, knows that I am particularly close with my dad's family and not as close to my mom's family. When I woke up this morning I noticed that on my facebook I had a new message. Normally this would not be a big deal at all, but when I checked. It was a response I had sent to my cousins almost a month ago. As I had said in my last post, I'm living in Austin, Texas for the summer but I have family around the Houston area.

In the email, we decided to meet sometime when it was both convenient for us and hopefully I'll get a chance to see my other cousin, her sister and my aunt and uncle.

This got me thinking that I would really love to see more of the family that I'm not that close to. Here lies the problem, even being in Texas, the closest family is still more than 3 hours away. The more I think about it, the more I want to plan a trip to see them. But how do you pick who is more important to see. Who is worth the so many hour drive?

I would really love to see any of the family but I just don't even know where to start. Any suggestions?

Austin, Texas?

So at the end of the school year, I decided that I shouldn't stay in MI for the summer. After the entire year, I decided that I didn't want to spend that much quality time in MI again. So after careful considerations, I packed up all my things within 3 days of being in Mich again and headed on down with a friend. After 24 hours of driving, we reached where my brother lived.

Now, I regret to say that I've fallen in love with the city, a city where I can't stay. It's kind of sad knowing that I'll be leaving in around 3 months. And any friends or ...well other people I met, I'll have to leave for an indefinite amount of time.

I guess i just need to focus on the now, a very big problem for me. Focus on what's going on now.

Speaking of now, I recently just started my job. I am now working at Lifetime Fitness at the outside bistro. I've only worked two days but it seems like it will be a nice summer job, working out by the pool. Plus I get a free gym membership, which will come in handy.

I guess since I'm going to much less stressed out, I'll try to keep this updated much more.

Maybe it's Me

So I'm laying in bed watching the minutes pass until I know I'll be officially late to my bible study. I know I should have went but I feel like just giving up tonight. I can't even say much went terribly wrong today that should make me not want to go but there is a valid reason.
Today is bring-a-friend day. Me being my chipper self invited several people (at least like 10). By 7pm tonight, out of these people, no one could come, Not ONE single person. And for this, I'm in a terrible mood. How hard is it to take an hour and a half out of your week to cherish and talk about the most important thing in life. Isn't it the least we can do, to give God that respect that he deserves? As I sit here, now officially late, I realize maybe it's me. Maybe I am the reason that no one wants to go because they'd be going with ME, to my bible study? So here I am, in this rut. Maybe someone will read this and tell me I'm not crazy, that people are being inconsiderate to God and putting him last in their life. I guess there is nothing now but to wait...

So I've Decided...

I need an outlet for my frustrations, anger, and just all that jazz. This week has been a crazy one and it's only Tuesday. Not only does the near future hold promise of more crazyness, but also holds the promise of hope.

This past Friday, a close relative of mine passed away. While it was expected at the time, nothing is more tragic then the end of human life. Death is so final and for many unexpected. It began to make me think more of my life and the decisions I've made up until now. Will I be prepared if God chooses me?

The truth is we just don't know when that fateful moment will occur. It could be today, tomorrow, or 3840 years from now. While I am feeling mega-cliche writing this, it's the truth and today has made me realize there is still so much left undone in my life.

I don't honestly know how many people I can say "know" me or actually know how I feel about many issues. As I'm trying to be more open, I've realized I'm pushing myself away from many. I shy away from social events for fear of doing and/or saying stupid things. I've really now come to know myself more and more as I grow older. I know the things I dislike, my sense of humor, what attracts me to people, but I doubt that other people know that of me. At least a lot of people.

I guess the most important thing I've realized is there is still hope. I still have an indefinite amount of time to do the things that I want to do, see the places I want to see, and let people actually get to know the real me.

Funny how death makes you realize so many things. The most finite thing in the world....