Unhappiness

I know that I can be hard to love. I know that I'm difficult and stubborn and a whirlwind of emotions.I know that I'm crazy and a little OCD. I know that I'm stubborn and sometimes unwilling to compromise.

The list could go on and on...

When we look at ourselves we tend to judge harshly upon our character and appearance. I'm too fat, or too thin. I've got man shoulders or I've got cankles. We rip ourselves apart. Tearing and putting down as we go. Leaving nothing but a sliver of our true worth intact. The reason for the blame could be placed anywhere or on anyone but it's a common fact that most tend to do this self-mutilating practice.

Tonight in another one of my fits of anger, I started this unappreciative act on myself. "Why am I like this?" "Why cant I just be....(fill in the blank)" Halfway through the tears, the cycle of depressive music, and angry words, I thought I don't want this. I don't want to practice this repetitive phase of tearing myself down.

I may be all those things in the first paragraph, but I am a hell of a lot more too. I deserve to be loved. I deserve respect and understanding. I'm sick of feeling trapped. I'm sick of feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough. When can I stop tearing myself down and finally say "K, you are PERFECT the way you are"? When will someone say "K, we will love you unconditionally no matter what you do or say"?

The truth is, I think that I am pretty great person. I work hard for what I want. I cherish what I have and I love with all I am. When can I expect that in return? When will the conditions for everything end? If they won't, Lord please grant me with the understanding to know this.

I want HONESTY. I want UNCONDITIONAL love. I want YOU.

but more importantly, I NEED to be happy...


-All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone-

Oh, Praise him!

It's funny how little things can make you want to change your life. Tonight while I was writing my airman his daily letter, I was looking for a little inspiration. I almost always go to a fallback christian song of some sort. Tonight was JJ Heller, "What Love Really Means." It's such a beautiful song about not being enough for everyone and not knowing what love is until we discover our relationship with God. Although tonight this particular song wasn't quite giving up the feeling I needed. So I clicked through the related videos and I came to one I had seen a few times a decent time ago.

David Crowder Band, "Oh, Praise Him." For those that haven't seen the video is of a man walking the streets of New York rather casually. While the song progresses the man becomes more and more "involved" in the music or rather praising God. By the third minute in, he is singing at the top of his lungs, hands raised, standing still, and eyes closed worshiping our God. He falls to his knees and praises God. People pass by and nothing is said to him, in fact very few even acknowledge him.

The point to my story is how many of us would do that? Fall to our knees or sing loudly in the middle of a busy street to our God? How many of us have just become so overwhelm with God's love that we need to shout it out? The truth is, I have not done any of that. Nor have I ever really had much of an interest for doing any sort of thing that would draw attention to myself. While I can't speak for everyone, I'm guessing not many do these things. Most of us attend our church (semi-) regularly. We pray at night/morning in the closure of our own homes. How often do we get up and do something that shows, we LOVE God?!

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I want to do that. Maybe not as bold, or maybe bolder but I do want to show my love for God more. I want to show that I know God's love and that I accept Him as my savior. Often times I am too afraid to even do anything that shows I may be a Christian but no more. I want it known. I want a better relationship with my savior. I want to know you better Lord.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please guide me to what you want to do with me. I surrender to you Lord. I'm done with what I want. Do as you will with me for I am your humble servant. Use me as your vessel. I am yours.

Guide me Lord

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpVsF4W8V2Y&feature=related

Counting down

I can't believe how fast the time has flown. I started at 60 days...and now it's 29! The love of my life, my fiance, left for Air Force basic training on Jan 24. It has been the most challenging experience for me. Every small issue/problem we had was magnified after he left and with hardly any means of communication, it meant dealing with a lot of stress by myself. Something I've never been particularly good at.

Now, half way through, I feel a little stronger. I feel more confident with our relationship and most importantly I feel more trusting. I know that people always say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it really does change the dynamic of your relationship. I went from needing confirmation from HIM to being able to confirm myself. Something I needed to learn how to do. It hasn't been easy by any means and there are still days that I regress but I'm working on it. I'm learning how to trust despite the fact that I'm scared of what will happen once I trust someone fully.

This week, I'm learning to put any emotions I have besides and support my man, no matter what. He needs it and can learn how to deal. There's something to be said about being devout and sacrificing what you feel to help another. It feels good. I know that he needs everything he can get right now and so I'll put away my selfish needs for him...

I wish I could say more but tonight, I need to sleep. I just wanted to write something for 2012!

28 MORE DAYS! I love you sweetheart!