Today, I had a revelation about how much these two people are SO far apart and an even bigger revelation about how my life in Christ in just so much lacking.
The wonderful man that I am proud to call my boyfriend had to work tonight after an interesting week of vacation together. We have never fought that much in the entire time we were together. When we got back it seemed like things were definitely on the up and up. Although, the important to keep in mind here is that my savior of a boyfriend just puts up with my craziness and craziness it was last week. I was SO up and down with him about the...well, most stupid things.
Well, after a week of fighting, things were settling back to be normal, until tonight. Nothing particularly went bad all day until he got home from work. Then the yelling started.The entire time, I kept thinking "WHY AM I DOING THIS?" I really didn't believe what I was saying. I know that this man is more committed to me than any other man before him yet I'm throwing out accusations and cop outs. It began to feel like I was just trying to make him feel bad.
Then, out of no where, it hits me. This whole thing was my fault (I know you're thinking...wow, obviously). But really, it was all my hang-ups and insecurities that had me doubting everything. Here I have a man, God willing, who wants to marry me and I try to push him away more and more because I'm not sure he will love me like he says he does. I'm not sure he'll want to be faithful to me because of how I act. I'm not sure that he'll always think I'm the most beautiful thing in the world (excluding Jennifer Aniston, of course).
This was my fault. It was all because "I wasn't sure." NOT him, but me. I've always been the insecure one. Never okay with myself, never thought I was better than mediocre with no real reason why. My favorite phrase in fact used to be "I'm okay at a lot of things but not really great at one particular thing."
I am great at one thing when I want to be though. Loving. I can love like the dickens and particularly loving God. Last summer was the closest I have ever been to God and Lord, did it feel good. I was happy and confident in myself-- well the most I've ever been. So my lesson to myself you ask?
Closeness to God translates to a happiness I can't describe. Closeness to God is confidence in myself again. Closeness to God is love.
This is what I need to end all my hang ups and insecurities. My unfailing love for you Lord, will bring what only you can do. True happiness. It's worth it friends, to know your maker, to lose your sin. We are all dearly loved.
If I can just be truly happy in the Lords love, then I can drop this charade.
God gave me you. A man with the most passionate love to help me in this incredible journey to better myself in the Lord.
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