I'm too Tired to Think of a Creative Name

As a child who doesn't have that superman/batman/whoever person that is their hero? Everyone needs someone to look up to right? Maybe that was my problem... I never saw any person really as my hero, who I wanted to grow up and be JUST like them. Sure, I was a daddy's girl--heaven forbid he leave that house without a hug good-bye, but I didn't have any ambitions really. I don't recall wanting to be a ballerina or a superstar or anything really.

What I really just wanted was to be like my parents. For those who don't know, my parents have been (mostly) happily married for 30+ years. They've stuck through thick and thin and are still happy. When I grew up, I wanted THAT. I wanted to wake up on Sunday mornings and go to church and make big Sunday dinners. My parents were the perfect relationship. They didn't argue. They always kissed each other bye. There were no problems.

Growing up through those awful teen years, that changed. I became cynical yet somehow hopeful. In high school, despite always having a boyfriend, I stopped wanting that perfect relationship. I stopped wanting what my parents have and I started wanting other things. I suddenly decided that my life was dedicated to traveling. I wanted to traverse the globe and help people. It was the reason I wanted to learn another language. It was the reason I went to Grand Valley. It was the reason I chose a political science(more or less) degree.

Now here I am, almost four years later and I've switched again. All I want to do is scream at myself. Except this time, I've taken an even deeper fall. This time, I've found someone who I can marry. Someone who believe it or not, can deal with this craziness (trust me, I find it hard to believe too)! The problem is that now it seems I can't have both. Career or marriage. Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

I think the answer I'm looking for is that I want to travel with him and help people BUT it just seems like such a far fetched idea. Especially with the boyfriend trying to enter the air force. Its more likely a distant goal. For the present, it looks as if I'm going to be making sacrifices or choosing career over love and true love only comes around once.

What are my options here...?

Pity Party for One Please!

So a long time ago, I used to think that my life was always going to go in this ONE particular direction. I had one dream and although it's slightly wavered, it hasn't changed.

I was going to finish the dream college of my choice (enter GVSU) and from there attend some sort of a law school of my dreams (no particular one in mind) and then grow up to be this fabulous attorney--Legally blonde style.

It seems kind of foolish but now, there is no dream. There is no hope of where my future is going. Dead inside.

As I was sitting in class today, I decided to check my GPA. Turns out my GPA is lower than I believed it was. Try much lower. Enter in GPA of 3.4...

Now, even if I score amazingly on my LSAT. I won't get into a phenomenal school with that GPA and according to the the GPA calculator, I won't be able to bring it up to the level I want. Not only that, but COSTS.

Who was I kidding when I thought I would be able to AFFORD law school? I'm not millionaire. Hell, when I find $10 in my coat pocket, I feel like the richest girl.

Now what?

I can't afford to keep putting myself through school. I keep thinking, I will graduate with the dumbest degree which has no purpose for my life. I won't get a serious job because my grades aren't where I need them to be.

Where am I going? What in the heck am I doing?

The optimist in me is trying to scream, Katherine, the Lord is trying to show you. Just let the Almighty work inside you. On the other hand, the pessimist in me is screaming, you're a failure. Give it up and take up a job at your local Mickey D's for life.

Maybe this is the time to decide what I truly want. So tonight, I'm gonna sit and read my bible listen to some quality music praising the Lord and just think it out.

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before

Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door

I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore

So Lord move, or move me

I'm not a princess

Lately, I've been doing a lot of "me" thinking lately, wait. That's a lie. Sorry, didn't mean to do that so early. I've been doing a lot of relationship thinking lately. I've been reading a lot of relationship articles (WAY WAY more so than usual). Truth is, I'm stressed about my relationship. I feel like I do the same thing with every boyfriend. I'm a creature of pattern.

What is it one might ask?

The second something isn't going right, I seek others for attention. Whether it's helpless flirting or maybe taking things too far, it always happens. Now don't get me wrong here, I am an egocentric person whether I admit that or not every day. I just do dumb things on a daily basis anyways. This is different than that though. It's a need. The second something isn't going right, its like a switch flips. Call my self-centered but it's true.

The problem here is I don't want to fall into the same pattern anymore. I don't trust anyone because really I shouldn't be trusted. Time and time again, I screw up. I do something and the relationship falls apart. It may not be immediately, maybe not even a year from then. Eventually it crumbles.

I don't want that anymore. I want someone to be able to stay with me for the rest of my life. As cheesy as that sounds, I want trust. I want love and I want commitment. I just want to be the only girl you love all your life.

A year ago, that idea scared me. Marriage? Ha. Kids? Try never. I always had the notion that eventually down the road just maybe prince charming would sweep me off my feet and everything would be a fairy tale in maybe 5 years. GROW UP KATHERINE!

Life isn't always carriage rides and red roses. Sometimes life is baking cookies that don't turn out and traffic jams.

I'm learning, always learning. Just because I'm not the center of attention doesn't mean he doesn't love me any less. In fact, I'm sure he hates when I'm an attention hog but he's there anyways. That's what unconditional love and trust is about. He loves me even when I scream at him and tell him I'm leaving and we're done. He deserves the same and Then some.

I owe him.

So here's my promise to him:

• I will not give you another reason to not trust me
• I will keep everything that is meant to be between us to just us

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