Unhappiness

I know that I can be hard to love. I know that I'm difficult and stubborn and a whirlwind of emotions.I know that I'm crazy and a little OCD. I know that I'm stubborn and sometimes unwilling to compromise.

The list could go on and on...

When we look at ourselves we tend to judge harshly upon our character and appearance. I'm too fat, or too thin. I've got man shoulders or I've got cankles. We rip ourselves apart. Tearing and putting down as we go. Leaving nothing but a sliver of our true worth intact. The reason for the blame could be placed anywhere or on anyone but it's a common fact that most tend to do this self-mutilating practice.

Tonight in another one of my fits of anger, I started this unappreciative act on myself. "Why am I like this?" "Why cant I just be....(fill in the blank)" Halfway through the tears, the cycle of depressive music, and angry words, I thought I don't want this. I don't want to practice this repetitive phase of tearing myself down.

I may be all those things in the first paragraph, but I am a hell of a lot more too. I deserve to be loved. I deserve respect and understanding. I'm sick of feeling trapped. I'm sick of feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough. When can I stop tearing myself down and finally say "K, you are PERFECT the way you are"? When will someone say "K, we will love you unconditionally no matter what you do or say"?

The truth is, I think that I am pretty great person. I work hard for what I want. I cherish what I have and I love with all I am. When can I expect that in return? When will the conditions for everything end? If they won't, Lord please grant me with the understanding to know this.

I want HONESTY. I want UNCONDITIONAL love. I want YOU.

but more importantly, I NEED to be happy...


-All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone-

Oh, Praise him!

It's funny how little things can make you want to change your life. Tonight while I was writing my airman his daily letter, I was looking for a little inspiration. I almost always go to a fallback christian song of some sort. Tonight was JJ Heller, "What Love Really Means." It's such a beautiful song about not being enough for everyone and not knowing what love is until we discover our relationship with God. Although tonight this particular song wasn't quite giving up the feeling I needed. So I clicked through the related videos and I came to one I had seen a few times a decent time ago.

David Crowder Band, "Oh, Praise Him." For those that haven't seen the video is of a man walking the streets of New York rather casually. While the song progresses the man becomes more and more "involved" in the music or rather praising God. By the third minute in, he is singing at the top of his lungs, hands raised, standing still, and eyes closed worshiping our God. He falls to his knees and praises God. People pass by and nothing is said to him, in fact very few even acknowledge him.

The point to my story is how many of us would do that? Fall to our knees or sing loudly in the middle of a busy street to our God? How many of us have just become so overwhelm with God's love that we need to shout it out? The truth is, I have not done any of that. Nor have I ever really had much of an interest for doing any sort of thing that would draw attention to myself. While I can't speak for everyone, I'm guessing not many do these things. Most of us attend our church (semi-) regularly. We pray at night/morning in the closure of our own homes. How often do we get up and do something that shows, we LOVE God?!

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I want to do that. Maybe not as bold, or maybe bolder but I do want to show my love for God more. I want to show that I know God's love and that I accept Him as my savior. Often times I am too afraid to even do anything that shows I may be a Christian but no more. I want it known. I want a better relationship with my savior. I want to know you better Lord.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please guide me to what you want to do with me. I surrender to you Lord. I'm done with what I want. Do as you will with me for I am your humble servant. Use me as your vessel. I am yours.

Guide me Lord

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpVsF4W8V2Y&feature=related

Counting down

I can't believe how fast the time has flown. I started at 60 days...and now it's 29! The love of my life, my fiance, left for Air Force basic training on Jan 24. It has been the most challenging experience for me. Every small issue/problem we had was magnified after he left and with hardly any means of communication, it meant dealing with a lot of stress by myself. Something I've never been particularly good at.

Now, half way through, I feel a little stronger. I feel more confident with our relationship and most importantly I feel more trusting. I know that people always say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it really does change the dynamic of your relationship. I went from needing confirmation from HIM to being able to confirm myself. Something I needed to learn how to do. It hasn't been easy by any means and there are still days that I regress but I'm working on it. I'm learning how to trust despite the fact that I'm scared of what will happen once I trust someone fully.

This week, I'm learning to put any emotions I have besides and support my man, no matter what. He needs it and can learn how to deal. There's something to be said about being devout and sacrificing what you feel to help another. It feels good. I know that he needs everything he can get right now and so I'll put away my selfish needs for him...

I wish I could say more but tonight, I need to sleep. I just wanted to write something for 2012!

28 MORE DAYS! I love you sweetheart!

I Walk the Line

Tonight might be a little scatter brained and all over the place so I apologize ahead of time.

Lately I'm struggling with the fact of when to draw the line. In my relationships whether it be boyfriends, friends, or God, it seems like I can't be just enough. I'm usually too much and I push people away OR I'm not enough and then it just seems like I don't care.

For anyone that knows me, I am one of the most analytic people one will meet. I over think and analyze everything. It's a sickness, I admit. While, the reasoning behind it is with good intention, it annoys most people. When most people hear pass the salt, they would do just that. I, on the other hand would have to ask questions, like what kind of salt, pass which way (Dramatization).

Therefore, I can't help but over analyze every move that I will make, everything that I will say. I think of the affects it will have after I've said it or done it. Lately, I can't help but to notice a pattern. I keep not saying what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm hiding it. When I don't hide it, it starts an argument. At the same time I feel like I'm keeping myself in check, not really showing who I am or what I am.

How do we know when to stop hiding and when to be real? I feel like lately, I can't distinguish that line. Lately, I feel like I'm hiding me to be something else, someone else that everyone can like more. Once I do show the real me and it upsets someone it makes me feel like maybe the real me can never really be loved.

I'm in a place right now and I can't seem to come out of it. I want a grand gesture. I want love and romance but it seems like I just keep holding out for nothing. Is that real? I don't think it exists except in Nora Roberts books and sappy movies. How can I not be happy when I have someone who has been cuddly and loving? How can I complain?

Where is this line?! Am I the only person who can't seem to find it? Why am I never happy with what I do or what I say? If I need a filter on everything I say is that a filter or just being nice. When my feelings get hurt do I keep it in?

I want to be go with the flow but it's not who I am. I am uptight, stressed out, 21 year old going on 65.

So for now, I walk the line. I try to stay in check but it can't always happen and I thank anyone who can stick around for when I fall off.

When You Know, You know!

Growing up, whenever I would talk about boys, I always just heard the phrase "when you know, you know." I thought, yeaaaah right, how can you just be so sure of who you're gonna spend the rest of your life with?!

Then I met him....

But let me start off by telling you how my dad knew and how he was able to pass down this majestic wisdom. My mother was friends with my dad's "flaky" sister. One day, my dad asked out my mother, who said yes. They went out and to my understanding had a fine time. Then, my father didn't call her for three months. Yep, three months. He claimed that he wasn't ready to settle down to one girl and was just busy.

Three months later, they went back out and the rest has been history. Married for 30+ years. When I asked my dad, he told me he didn't even propose either. He just talked about it and said "when you know, you know."

All I could think was HORSE SHIT. How can your mind just change like that? Poof, now I want to get married. Then I met Zachary...and my whole world flipped.

We didn't meet under perfect circumstances. When we met stars didn't fly everywhere. But we laughed in the little Starbucks cafe where he "interviewed" me. We didn't even see each other that much after working together for 9 months. We talked on and off but nothing ever too serious.

So it was a shock when in the middle of the summer, I got a text from him and the rest has been history.

We've talked everyday since then, even if it's not much. When you know, you know. There's nothing I can do to explain how I feel, I just know. He's the one. He's it for me.

Did I know that almost a year earlier? No, but then it hit me. He was and is the perfect man for me in every way. He may not be the most romantic or most outgoing, but he's mine and that's all that's important.

I'm too Tired to Think of a Creative Name

As a child who doesn't have that superman/batman/whoever person that is their hero? Everyone needs someone to look up to right? Maybe that was my problem... I never saw any person really as my hero, who I wanted to grow up and be JUST like them. Sure, I was a daddy's girl--heaven forbid he leave that house without a hug good-bye, but I didn't have any ambitions really. I don't recall wanting to be a ballerina or a superstar or anything really.

What I really just wanted was to be like my parents. For those who don't know, my parents have been (mostly) happily married for 30+ years. They've stuck through thick and thin and are still happy. When I grew up, I wanted THAT. I wanted to wake up on Sunday mornings and go to church and make big Sunday dinners. My parents were the perfect relationship. They didn't argue. They always kissed each other bye. There were no problems.

Growing up through those awful teen years, that changed. I became cynical yet somehow hopeful. In high school, despite always having a boyfriend, I stopped wanting that perfect relationship. I stopped wanting what my parents have and I started wanting other things. I suddenly decided that my life was dedicated to traveling. I wanted to traverse the globe and help people. It was the reason I wanted to learn another language. It was the reason I went to Grand Valley. It was the reason I chose a political science(more or less) degree.

Now here I am, almost four years later and I've switched again. All I want to do is scream at myself. Except this time, I've taken an even deeper fall. This time, I've found someone who I can marry. Someone who believe it or not, can deal with this craziness (trust me, I find it hard to believe too)! The problem is that now it seems I can't have both. Career or marriage. Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

I think the answer I'm looking for is that I want to travel with him and help people BUT it just seems like such a far fetched idea. Especially with the boyfriend trying to enter the air force. Its more likely a distant goal. For the present, it looks as if I'm going to be making sacrifices or choosing career over love and true love only comes around once.

What are my options here...?

Pity Party for One Please!

So a long time ago, I used to think that my life was always going to go in this ONE particular direction. I had one dream and although it's slightly wavered, it hasn't changed.

I was going to finish the dream college of my choice (enter GVSU) and from there attend some sort of a law school of my dreams (no particular one in mind) and then grow up to be this fabulous attorney--Legally blonde style.

It seems kind of foolish but now, there is no dream. There is no hope of where my future is going. Dead inside.

As I was sitting in class today, I decided to check my GPA. Turns out my GPA is lower than I believed it was. Try much lower. Enter in GPA of 3.4...

Now, even if I score amazingly on my LSAT. I won't get into a phenomenal school with that GPA and according to the the GPA calculator, I won't be able to bring it up to the level I want. Not only that, but COSTS.

Who was I kidding when I thought I would be able to AFFORD law school? I'm not millionaire. Hell, when I find $10 in my coat pocket, I feel like the richest girl.

Now what?

I can't afford to keep putting myself through school. I keep thinking, I will graduate with the dumbest degree which has no purpose for my life. I won't get a serious job because my grades aren't where I need them to be.

Where am I going? What in the heck am I doing?

The optimist in me is trying to scream, Katherine, the Lord is trying to show you. Just let the Almighty work inside you. On the other hand, the pessimist in me is screaming, you're a failure. Give it up and take up a job at your local Mickey D's for life.

Maybe this is the time to decide what I truly want. So tonight, I'm gonna sit and read my bible listen to some quality music praising the Lord and just think it out.

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before

Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door

I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore

So Lord move, or move me