I Walk the Line

Tonight might be a little scatter brained and all over the place so I apologize ahead of time.

Lately I'm struggling with the fact of when to draw the line. In my relationships whether it be boyfriends, friends, or God, it seems like I can't be just enough. I'm usually too much and I push people away OR I'm not enough and then it just seems like I don't care.

For anyone that knows me, I am one of the most analytic people one will meet. I over think and analyze everything. It's a sickness, I admit. While, the reasoning behind it is with good intention, it annoys most people. When most people hear pass the salt, they would do just that. I, on the other hand would have to ask questions, like what kind of salt, pass which way (Dramatization).

Therefore, I can't help but over analyze every move that I will make, everything that I will say. I think of the affects it will have after I've said it or done it. Lately, I can't help but to notice a pattern. I keep not saying what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm hiding it. When I don't hide it, it starts an argument. At the same time I feel like I'm keeping myself in check, not really showing who I am or what I am.

How do we know when to stop hiding and when to be real? I feel like lately, I can't distinguish that line. Lately, I feel like I'm hiding me to be something else, someone else that everyone can like more. Once I do show the real me and it upsets someone it makes me feel like maybe the real me can never really be loved.

I'm in a place right now and I can't seem to come out of it. I want a grand gesture. I want love and romance but it seems like I just keep holding out for nothing. Is that real? I don't think it exists except in Nora Roberts books and sappy movies. How can I not be happy when I have someone who has been cuddly and loving? How can I complain?

Where is this line?! Am I the only person who can't seem to find it? Why am I never happy with what I do or what I say? If I need a filter on everything I say is that a filter or just being nice. When my feelings get hurt do I keep it in?

I want to be go with the flow but it's not who I am. I am uptight, stressed out, 21 year old going on 65.

So for now, I walk the line. I try to stay in check but it can't always happen and I thank anyone who can stick around for when I fall off.