I Walk the Line

Tonight might be a little scatter brained and all over the place so I apologize ahead of time.

Lately I'm struggling with the fact of when to draw the line. In my relationships whether it be boyfriends, friends, or God, it seems like I can't be just enough. I'm usually too much and I push people away OR I'm not enough and then it just seems like I don't care.

For anyone that knows me, I am one of the most analytic people one will meet. I over think and analyze everything. It's a sickness, I admit. While, the reasoning behind it is with good intention, it annoys most people. When most people hear pass the salt, they would do just that. I, on the other hand would have to ask questions, like what kind of salt, pass which way (Dramatization).

Therefore, I can't help but over analyze every move that I will make, everything that I will say. I think of the affects it will have after I've said it or done it. Lately, I can't help but to notice a pattern. I keep not saying what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm hiding it. When I don't hide it, it starts an argument. At the same time I feel like I'm keeping myself in check, not really showing who I am or what I am.

How do we know when to stop hiding and when to be real? I feel like lately, I can't distinguish that line. Lately, I feel like I'm hiding me to be something else, someone else that everyone can like more. Once I do show the real me and it upsets someone it makes me feel like maybe the real me can never really be loved.

I'm in a place right now and I can't seem to come out of it. I want a grand gesture. I want love and romance but it seems like I just keep holding out for nothing. Is that real? I don't think it exists except in Nora Roberts books and sappy movies. How can I not be happy when I have someone who has been cuddly and loving? How can I complain?

Where is this line?! Am I the only person who can't seem to find it? Why am I never happy with what I do or what I say? If I need a filter on everything I say is that a filter or just being nice. When my feelings get hurt do I keep it in?

I want to be go with the flow but it's not who I am. I am uptight, stressed out, 21 year old going on 65.

So for now, I walk the line. I try to stay in check but it can't always happen and I thank anyone who can stick around for when I fall off.

When You Know, You know!

Growing up, whenever I would talk about boys, I always just heard the phrase "when you know, you know." I thought, yeaaaah right, how can you just be so sure of who you're gonna spend the rest of your life with?!

Then I met him....

But let me start off by telling you how my dad knew and how he was able to pass down this majestic wisdom. My mother was friends with my dad's "flaky" sister. One day, my dad asked out my mother, who said yes. They went out and to my understanding had a fine time. Then, my father didn't call her for three months. Yep, three months. He claimed that he wasn't ready to settle down to one girl and was just busy.

Three months later, they went back out and the rest has been history. Married for 30+ years. When I asked my dad, he told me he didn't even propose either. He just talked about it and said "when you know, you know."

All I could think was HORSE SHIT. How can your mind just change like that? Poof, now I want to get married. Then I met Zachary...and my whole world flipped.

We didn't meet under perfect circumstances. When we met stars didn't fly everywhere. But we laughed in the little Starbucks cafe where he "interviewed" me. We didn't even see each other that much after working together for 9 months. We talked on and off but nothing ever too serious.

So it was a shock when in the middle of the summer, I got a text from him and the rest has been history.

We've talked everyday since then, even if it's not much. When you know, you know. There's nothing I can do to explain how I feel, I just know. He's the one. He's it for me.

Did I know that almost a year earlier? No, but then it hit me. He was and is the perfect man for me in every way. He may not be the most romantic or most outgoing, but he's mine and that's all that's important.